whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
