Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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