i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
