last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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