U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
