I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
