I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
