How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
