finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
