You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
