At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
