I wish they made helmets for livers.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
