I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
