I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
