i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
