my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
