you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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