I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
