what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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