Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
