the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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