I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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