o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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