just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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