martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
