and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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