I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
