You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
time to smoke my breakfast
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
