I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
