My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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