Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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