I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
