I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
