ya dads aren't the best wingmen
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
