How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
