I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
