guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
