Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No subtext here. People are naked.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
