If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
