You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
