Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
