Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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