Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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