i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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