Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
