And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
