Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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