I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
