I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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