two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
