Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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