There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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